No mud no lotus

Thank you Buddha for sending your disciple to release me from my recent vexations. Just by looking at her peaceful smile, I already feel warmer. She knew I didn't practise with any sangha after the last retreat. She brought me to a vegetarian Japanese restaurant in Bugis. She shared to me about what she has done after she quitted her job and travelled around, her initial struggles, and buddha teachings. Nonattachment is a critical concept in dhama which releases people from all sufferings. I told her that I have been feeling uneasy recently and she keeps asking me a question which really makes me contemplating " are you looking for something?" yes it's true that I have a lot of things in my mind, conflicts, competitions etc. I admire her since she realises what she truly wants and what makes her feel happy and I know there is a long gap for me to catch up with her or get enlightened like her. Like the sisters in plum village, her words are beautiful and metaphorical. The mind may just be like rippling lake but deep down it's rolling waves if I don't know how to take care of myself.

 She is helping her family to build a kindergarten in Vietnam, recruiting teachers and setting up curriculum. She told me she wants to bring mindfulness into the school. It has never been her plan after she quitted her job. She believes in suprendipity which will probably take me long time to fathom. I do believe Buddha teaches people to let go all attachments but the influence is profound. 

She encouraged me to take a longer weekend and spend more time to go back to my own self. So I took urgent leave and cancelled the lunch that I promised to host my close girl friends who texted me loving massages that I need to be kind to myself.

 I focused on mindful breathing, meditating and reciting precepts. Spirituality journey is also like exercise. Waiting until falling sick do I remember to go back to my own self is a little late. I still feel hate myself since my mind keeps wonder around trivial things that make me disturbed. But when I write this entry, I suddenly remember that the purpose of mindfulness is to make me aware of my own self and not try to heal anything. Breathe in, I know I feel insecure. Breathe out, I know it's not easy to feel empathetic and compassionate for people who have different views from me. It's just another challenge set up to test my strength. Let it heal gradually, no forcing.